This intern thing isn't working for me. It feels like every time I come home, I only end up more and more upset and tired. And I don't want to go back home with my mom. Just making the posters for her is exhausting. First she uses AI and expects me to just 'edit' it. Then she treats me like an AI, just making changes to everything with no other thought. And as if a 'sorry' would just fix that. I can't do it anymore. It feels like shit. I feel like shit. And it's not like I ever feel appreciated for it. It's always 'fix this', 'fix that' and never a 'wow you did so good!' is that so much to ask for?
On happier(?) note... I am definitely in love (is it even love?) with Shishen. Like without a doubt. I cannot be here making fucking goo-goo eyes at him just cause he wore a mildly nice shirt that shows off his arms. Or just cause he let me sneak a bite of his ice cream. Lowkey wanted to just buy it for him. But oh well... It's whatever. Also definetley crushing on Kaina, but I can't do anything about it cause she has her own problems with Lesanda and Kavan. And I don't want to be a part of that hot mess. I am MUCH happier as is. I just did good with AAron, can't have more guys upset at me for (not really) taking their girlfriends.
I fucking miss the internship dude. Like actually oh my god. I hate that Rihaam showed all this softness out of no where. Like now he's making me lowkey kinda like him like that. But i'm also vaguely sure he's homophobic. And do i even like him? what are crushes. And then Kaina's with Lesanda again. Speaking of Kaina, i don't know if i can keep taking her insults. like i know it's all in good fun and she doesn't mean it, but im starting to feel really isolated and it doesn't feel good. And i know i should just tell her but that's not something i can just bring up??? it'll be like what the hell??? And there's the whole thing with thinumi. I have an aching feeling she likes me. But a) no one likes me like that. Like at all. Ever. and b) I also have an aching feeling she likes everyone like that a little.
I keep getting this feeling that I do have SOME anxiety disorder. Not social anxiety. I don't think so. But just something not good. I don't think it's normal to spiral when a friend texts you 'they need to tell you something' or when they call and i miss. I don't think it's normal to feel nauseous at the vague idea that i messed up or even just wrong. I don't think it's normal to get so worried and anxious that i don't eat or bathe or function until the problem is solved. Especially when the problems aren't even that big of a deal, and were never going to be a problem in the first place. It gets annoying after a while.